Kicking a Dog While He’s Down
Election Results One Week Later — Not Any Prettier
OPIOID OF THE MASSES: I was standing in line at Rite Aid. I needed heartburn medication for all the crow I’d been force-fed after Donald Trump was elected last week. Whether he was effectively elected president or emperor has yet to be seen. In any case, I was struck by the vast array of anti-constipation remedies displayed by the rack reserved for impulse purchases. Row upon row. I won’t mention any by name as none of the manufacturers have seen fit to slip me a bribe. But the sheer volume and breadth of choice suggested what I already knew — America is already great and needs no help from wannabe Caesars keeping it that way. It also suggested something else I already knew: We are a nation of junkies, white collar and otherwise.
It’s a well-known fact that opioids induce constipation, an affliction that’s generated much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the beat poets for whom heroin addiction provided the requisite literary grit. For all the non-literary types who need a little help dealing with the pain of getting through the day, opioid-induced constipation has now become a problem worthy of Big Pharma’s money-grubbing interventions. In other words, America is awash in an epidemic of constipation.
I suspect this has more than a little to do with the sudden onslaught of crow in my diet. Due in large measure to opioids — coupled with alcohol poisoning and self-inflicted gunshot wounds — white males in the 50 years and older age bracket have experienced an actual decline in life expectancy. We are dying off at an earlier age than those who came before. More accurately put, we are leaping off. One can speculate as to why — Rust Belt despair? — but the numbers would suggest yet another epidemic. Given that Donald J. Trump’s most loyal base happens to be this exact demographic, one might reasonably wonder if there’s a public health connection between mass constipation and the person the nation just elected president.
