I could be a scrooge and join the “bah humbug” brigade, but what would be the point? Besides, I am seriously dreaming of a white Christmas. If that “white” happens to be the hundreds of cubic tons of ash and other incinerated dandruff snowing down from the Thomas Fire, so be it. As bad as that is — coughing and hacking have now become Santa Barbara’s official background music — it beats the alternative: great balls of fire and a charred landscape. That there is only a handful of shopping days left before Christmas seems almost beside the point. But only almost. Now is the time to indulge. Now is the time to reconnect with your Judeo-Christian-pagan-Yiddish-Teutonic roots and celebrate.
It should be remembered that the original St. Nick was a thin-faced, bad-ass fourth-century Turkish monk who managed to bring several young kids back from the dead after they’d already been served up for dinner by an unscrupulous innkeeper as the second coming of veal cutlets. Most famously, St. Nick also saved several destitute young girls from a life of prostitution by providing them “gifts.” For centuries, this gift-giving tradition of Christmas was observed on his Feast Day, December 6. But when Martin Luther — whose hatred of the saints as manifestations of false deities is well documented — led the Protestant uprising against the Pope, feast days were obliterated. The gift-giving tradition was then eventually moved to December 25, on which date biblical scholars agree the baby Jesus was most definitely not born. And a few centuries later, the definitive Christmas song and top-selling single of all time — “White Christmas” — would be written by a nice Jewish boy from Russia named Irving Berlin.
All that’s to say to all you last-second Christmas shoppers, stay off the internet. Buy Local. Last I looked, Jeff Bezos does not look remotely like St. Nick: How many cannibalized children has he brought back to life? So boycott Amazon.com, at least for now. Find some locally owned mom-’n’-pop store and support them. You’ll feel better in the long term, but they’ll feel much better in the short term.