My Mullet
The Haircut of Revolutions
A few weeks back, haggard with a particularly brutal wave of Oktoberfest aftershocks, I awoke to the sound of Kenny Rogers. Everybody’s favorite gambler was crooning out of my record player, his smoky voice a perfect complement to yet another brilliantly sun-soaked, hungover Santa Barbara morning. Stumbling around my living room, I noticed the album cover leaning against a crate of records. Like a tuning fork to my soul, Kenny’s silver-flecked mullet spoke to me, offering me hairdo salvation and inspiration all at once. As the song “Lucille” crackled across the speakers, I found myself in a trance, staring in the mirror, scissors in hand, ready, willing, and able to join the storied ranks of those with mullets. Nine snips of the scissors later, and the deal was done.
After more than three years of hair farming, I had left the world of long-haired freaky people and joined the elite company of some of the world’s greatest minds. I could feel the lineage of Beethoven, Napoleon, David Bowie, and Chuck Norris pulsing through my veins. Smiling at my reflection like I was meeting a long lost friend, I couldn’t help but stand up a little straighter. After all, I was no longer going through this life alone; I now had a mullet with me.
Throughout history, the mullet haircut has gone by many names — Tennessee top hat, Kentucky waterfall, and the ape cape immediately come to mind. Its characteristic business-in-the-front and party-in-the-back styling has borne witness to countless revolutions, historic document signings, bar brawls, and incestuous relationships. From Greek gods and Roman gladiators to Braveheart and America’s own founding fathers, the mullet has been front and center for centuries. But the appeal of the mullet is far from reserved for the historically significant. With mullets adorning the heads of men and women at truck stops the world over, it is truly the cut of the common person (urban legend suggests the name mullet comes from the Nordic fishers who developed the style to keep their necks warm and their vision clear while hunting fish).
